What's it's like to be a Wuxiren, the good the bad and the damn right fucked up!
01.02.2013 - 21.06.2013
So after some time (18 months for me, 5 months for Mike) we decided it was time to spread our wings past China and move on.
Wuxi was a freaking awesome place to live, filled with madness and magic and we will always remember those people who made it so special and those Chinese people who just shocked and appalled us.
No 1 Crazy Ass China Thing
Puppy in a bag.
Mike had been in China just over a week, and I decided to take him to our local pet market. Now if you can look past the terrible conditions in which the animals are kept. It's an awesome place to go and look at and tear yourself away from nearly buying the cutest animals on earth.
It housed boxes of rabbits, tubs of hamsters, row upon row of tanks of goldfish and turtles including one humongous mofo who was about 3.5ft and in a 4ft tank.
Upon walking past this menagerie of buffet style selection box of animals (we weren't sure if we were supposed to pet them or eat them) we came across the "puppy prison".
Now, our first instinct was to open up every cage and ask each beautiful puppy to scamper to freedom, but e next situation that presented itself shocked us so much we were left in shock.
A man, a youngish 30 year old man is looking at some cute beagles, presumably to entertain his child until the next version of the iPad comes out. he looks at the puppy's carefully and selects one beauty to take home. He puts the puppy back in its cage so he can take out his wallet, when the shopkeeper promptly picks the puppy up by the scruff of the neck and places him inside a Tescos plastic carrier bag... Hands the puppy to the customer who then scoops up his bag of groceries from the floor and walks out puppy in a bag in hand, next to his bean sprouts and Qingcai!
No 2 Crazy Ass China Thing
WORST TEACHERS EVER
Ok, so we've all had those days when we head into work with a hangover and can't be arsed to work properly,but the teachers at Bowen English take it to the next level.
1. Class starts at 9am... After a particularly crazy night out, getting up on a Sunday for class proved to be too hard for me. I am awoken at 9:27am by my Chinese teacher Sandy calling my phone "Kirsty, will you come to class today?" ...."uh, yeah sandy, what's the time?" ...... "It's nearly 9:30....?"
Suffice to say the words to follow we're not ones that my mum would approve of.
2. After a similarly epic night.... Mike decides to teach his class of 6-7 year olds the word HANGOVER.... Now the little ones can spell it and say it with the ultimate Essex accent! (It's on mikes Facebook if anyone wants to take a look)
3. Magic Mike seemed to start a trend... A few weeks later, our friend sent us a video of him teaching the word lazy..the sentence pattern of the day was "Today, TK is a lazy teacher"
And 4. Finally, the legend that is Ojan -mikes Iranian replacement takes it upon himself to educate the SAME 6-7 year olds in terrorism... We are sitting at Shanghai airport waiting for our flight to Cambodia and received a picture.....
Kids staring at the white board..... The word bomb and a picture of the USA and Ojan doing what only can be described as "bomb actions" .......
We are now officially scared for our ex students
No 3 Crazy Ass China Thing
Walking backwards down the street.
There's no explanation needed here.
Chinese people walk backwards down the street
They think its good for their health
It's not if they get run over....
It's just weird and STUPID
No 4 Crazy Ass China Thing
A. On the street......On a beautiful Chinese summers day, mike is walking to work in a great mood, what happens next, boggles and shocks him to his very core....
Walking past, what he thought was a normal bus stop, he bore witness to an atrocity.
A six year old girl with 3 adults, wearing a black and white striped top and a black provocative tutu (mikes words not mine!!!) bending over, projectile urinating ONTO passing traffic. The parents in pure jubilation have the audacity to stop and stare at mike as he walks past his face plastered in shock and horror. (Note to china: if there is a bush 2 metres away, please direct child's urine towards bush not traffic)
B. On a statue......Mike and I visit the beautiful mountain resort of Wuyishan which is scenic, beautiful and full of things like statues and temples. We have just climbed a mountain, rafted down a river and enjoyed the beautiful gardens and are near the exit of the gardens. We stop. Horrified.....
There is a small child, trousers round ankles, little Chinese peepee in hand, making a little Chinese peepee... IN PUBLIC GARDENS.....ON A STATUE!!!!
Oh no, that's not even the worst part. His dad... Applauding him, gets his camera out and starts clicking away! We are MORTIFIED
Conclusion: The Chinese like to piss....EVERYWHERE
No 5 Crazy Ass China Thing
Beer Olympics and a golden bird
I don't even know how to start after reading back that title, which sounds like the next instalment of the Harry potter series....
Ok so maybe you've heard of the Wuxi Beer Olympics which Mike and I's team SMASHED (along with Spider Jon, Cartoonie, Spencer and the legend that is Burger Flipping Jøññy (TEQUILLA)
It started with a DJ set created at 2am on Mike phone and our landlord asking us to turn the music down.... After the next day of full teaching, we headed to this Epic event, that was to be the start of the magical party season in Wuxi.
We turned up, mike to be the DJ, me to be the girl holding the "round" card like in a boxing match.... We were then asked to join the amazing red lion team, winning 3 out 5 events including the Mexican Hat Dance (of course girls, am I going to be happy losing a dance competition? TEAM KIRSTY DOESN'T LOSE. and Flip Cup (yes Mich, I learnt from the best) We were victorious in our efforts.
Then came some dancing, some singing, and of course more free beer..... Then there was a bird
A giant bird
A golden bird
After mounting the giant golden bird, Mike and Ian had one mission and all I heard were the words "I want his head"
The next part was kind of a blur, but it involved Ian leaning on the birds neck and subsequently snapping it... It was only when the hotel manager came over that we panicked. As I tried desperately to distract him, mike and Ian attempted to stuff the giant golden ostriches head into Mikes backpack.
Unfortunately the words "run away" were shouted and we left the building, minus the head.
THE NEXT DAY...
Mike receives a phone call from Ian along the lines "this is very very bad" (words that were said at least 100 times that night)
Apparently the hotel manager had been onto the organiser of the beer Olympics and who happens to be our good friend Tim...
HM"thanks for having the beer Olympics here, it was a great event, I hope everyone had a great time"
TIM "yep, it was awesome, we are looking forward to coming back"
HM "but there's one problem....they killed my bird"
Side note: the hotel keeps live birds....Tim is horrified
TIM "what's do you mean they killed your bird?"
HM "They broke its neck and ripped the head off"
Now Tim is panicking
TIM "show me the body and the blood, I will find the people responsible"
HM "it was the big one in the superman T-shirt and the DJ...why would they do this, it was a nice bird...?"
......basically, Tim got to the bottom of it, it was of course Mike and Ian and it was a 7ft plastic golden bird statue NOTa real live bird that they rode and then decapitated
The boys were made to fix the bird..Mike then left Wuxi...GOODLUCK IAN xxxxxx
That's all for today..... some more tales soon